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People generally believe that only occasionally does there come a time in their lives when they have to make a choice. As a rule, this is something significant, large-scale, on which, as they believe, their future life depends. However, Ben-Shahar Tal in his book talks about a different choice. He writes that every person constantly faces a choice, every day. Only now people are so accustomed to always making the same decisions that they do not consider that they had a choice in a given situation.
This book will make you remember how many moments we can change everything. It’s worth stopping living automatically to get different results. We cannot change many situations or influence external events, but we can change our attitude towards them. A person is able to decide whether to be angry or step aside, to accept a certain fact as a defeat or as a life experience. The author of this book offers many situations of choice, after getting acquainted with which you come to realize how many options there are to live every day differently. The book makes you remember your own responsibility, that it depends only on you what your life will be like. And when a person makes the right choice leading to positive changes, then the path to happiness can be found.
On our website you can download the book "What will you choose? Decisions on which your life depends" by Ben-Shahar Tal for free and without registration in fb2, rtf, epub, pdf, txt format, read the book online or buy the book in the online store .
About the book
101 opportunities every day to consciously choose a happy life.
In his new book, positive psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar uses cutting-edge psychological research to show how making the right choices—not big, once-in-a-lifetime choices, but everyday decisions that we may not even notice when we're on autopilot—has a meaningful impact. and the long-term impact on your happiness.
At almost every moment of life we must make decisions - and their overall impact on our future is greater than that of rare “big” and fateful decisions, the significance of which is usually exaggerated.
The problem is that often we do not notice the very possibility of choice. As the author says, paraphrasing Ford: “Whether you think you have a choice or you don’t, you’re right.” We constantly live with the idea that our feelings and reactions to what is happening are unchangeable and cannot be influenced; we react to other people’s behavior automatically, without considering any alternatives, and we behave in most repeating situations the same way, living life “automatically.”
In fact, there is almost always an alternative, and the author convincingly proves this by considering 101 dilemmas that we face every day, such as:
give in to anger or take a step back;
neglect your posture or carry yourself with confidence and dignity;
to hold a grudge or forgive;
treat work as hard work or consider work as your calling;
participate in the cockroach race or focus on what really matters.
Of course, in life there are many external factors and stimuli that we cannot influence. But our true freedom lies in the ability to choose how to respond to them. Tal Ben-Shahar's 101 lessons will help you take back control of your life and become happier.
Who is this book for?
For everyone who wants to consciously control their life and be happy.
about the author
Tal Ben-Shahar is a teacher, speaker, and author of books on positive psychology and leadership.
In 2004, he graduated from Harvard with a doctorate and taught there for the next 10 years. Ben-Shahar's Psychology and Leadership course became the most popular in the university's history, with thousands of students enrolling in it each year.
In 2011 he co-founded Potentialife. She helps introduce positive psychology and develop leaders in schools and sports organizations.
Ben-Shahar has written the books Being Happier, The Perfectionist Paradox, and Whatever You Choose. They are recognized as bestsellers and translated into 25 languages.
Lectures on happiness, leadership, ethics, self-esteem and mindfulness to Fortune 500 executives.
He knows what happiness is from a scientific point of view. According to him, to become happy, one must avoid the trap of perfectionism.
Quotes from the book
Look for the best in yourself
Our best self exists within each of us. It can hide in the depths due to some difficult events, go underground due to the fact that someone once hurt us, but, despite everything, our best part has not gone anywhere, it can be found in any the moment can be found and brought to light.
Be wrong
Misconceptions are an inevitable part of any person's life and an extremely important part of a successful life. If we perceive mistakes as disasters, we ruin our chances of realizing our potential. Instead, by treating mistakes as good feedback, we open ourselves up to new opportunities for learning and growth.
Notice the beauty in others
We treat people pragmatically, noticing in them only what can be useful to us. What will change if you try to see in each person an individual, and not a resource to achieve your goal? You will see the inner beauty of people, and then the world will seem like the best place to you.
Less noise
Noise has become an integral part of life, and we suffer if it is absent. But research says we pay a high price for this constant auditory stimulation. Silence is essential for healthier physical and mental development and a sense of overall well-being. Remove some of the noise from your life.
Live here and now
We spend so much time trying to find the answer to the question “What would happen if...” We spend a lot of time in the past: remembering unpleasant events or thinking about failed relationships. You can choose: to remain in slavery to the past or to the future, or to live enjoying the fullness of sensations from the present.
What matters?
Remind yourself what really matters. This could be your child, a close friend, or things at work and at home. It could be an opportunity to inhale the scent of a flower, taste the sweetness of fruit, listen to a symphony, feel love. Remember the priceless things you have.
Tal Ben-Shahar
Choose the Life You Want
101 Ways to Create Your Own Road to Happiness
Published with permission from Andrew Nurnberg Literary Agency
Legal support for the publishing house is provided by the Vegas-Lex law firm.
© Tal Ben-Shahar, 2012
© Translation into Russian, publication in Russian, design. Mann, Ivanov and Ferber LLC, 2015
* * *
This book is well complemented by:
Mark Williams and Denny Penman
John Miller
Partner's Foreword
How we spend one day is how we spend our whole lives.
Annie Dillard
In life there is a place not only for actions and deeds, but also for thoughts and feelings. It’s very difficult for these four to get along together – you just want to separate them into different corners and say, “Think about your behavior.” “Think and do” - this is what our life is built on, and what comes after what is a question more abrupt than Shakespeare’s “To be or not to be.”
The modern world dictates rules, and a person involuntarily stops working with his emotions and inner sensations. But accidents do not happen, and even problems such as a family quarrel, an uninteresting job, a bad weekend or excess weight are the result of our choice, even if it is emotional and sometimes unconscious.
Ben-Shahar's book is about how to learn to hear your heart and turn on your head. The hero of one American film, giving instructions to his son, irritably repeated: “The path to a happy life is college, work, family!” But in this “global village”, not everything is so simple, so don’t expect universal solutions - train your emotional intelligence like a muscle. The pilot's skill and desire to survive are only revealed when the autopilot is turned off. So try to take the helm and control your life. It's much more interesting this way.
“What will you choose?” – this is not a problem book with answers at the end of the chapter, not commandments, or even a life hack. This is a collection of parables, wise thoughts and cases for every day, which will fit perfectly into both your home and office library. But unlike other pop psychologists who fixate on motivation, willpower and leadership, Ben-Shahar has taken the theme of happiness seriously. In each of the 101 points you will find yourself, your actions in relationships with family, friends, colleagues and even strangers.
There are a lot of things that we weren’t told about at school, but the Harvard professor was able to tell us so vividly, touchingly and thoughtfully. For which I thank him very much. And stories from life, quotes from successful people, Eastern wisdom, scientific arguments and philosophical reflections will make this copy your reference book and strengthen faith in yourself and in others.
Tatiana Busargina,StudyLab – Study abroad.Language school in Moscow.
Dedicated to my parents
Introduction
A person's personal philosophy is best expressed not by words, but by the decisions he makes. In the long term, we shape our lives and ourselves. This process does not end until death. And the choice that each of us makes is a matter solely of our personal responsibility.
Eleanor Roosevelt
For more than 10 years, I have written and lectured on positive psychology, sharing the “science of happiness” with college students, disadvantaged people, corporate executives, and government officials. Since I started on this path, my goal has been to transform the dry language of scientific research into accessible and implementable ideas that can help individuals, as well as organizations and communities, to thrive.
My interest in positive psychology began with a personal desire to live a happier, more fulfilling life. At the same time, the key component of happiness for me has always been a reasonable balance between work and personal life. Over the years, I seem to have found a way to achieve this. And then the economic crisis began.
Banks collapsed, once-thriving companies struggled to survive, program funding dried up, and people lost their homes and livelihoods. Even among those lucky enough to escape major upheaval, many lost confidence in a world that was no longer stable and secure for them. More than ever, my clients needed the insights of positive psychology to help build resilience, maintain motivation that could support people or companies through challenging times, and wherever possible, find previously hidden resources.
I found that I could not refuse help to clients during a crisis. And the balance between personal life and professional activities, which I had successfully maintained until then, was lost. I consulted for companies in Paris, taught a seminar for doctors in Hong Kong, lectured at the New York Graduate School, participated in a brainstorming session about the economic situation in Tel Aviv - in short, I appeared anywhere and everywhere that seemed to me to be positive. psychology could help overcome the consequences of the crisis. Even when I was at home, I regularly chatted with people in other time zones while working well into the night. After a year of such more or less continuous activity, I was squeezed like lemon and burned out to the ground. I only realized how far it had gone one night when I was preparing to teach an intensive three-day program. I had to push clients to find the difficult balance between realism and optimism, between a painful acceptance of the present and the prospect of a bright future. I usually get emotional when I'm faced with new and exciting challenges like this, but this time I didn't feel like anticipating anything at all. I simply could not imagine how I would survive the next few days. I tried to somehow persuade myself, but this time the persuasion did not work, just as all the other methods and techniques that had helped me before did not work. I had no energy or motivation. It seemed that if I took on this program, I would have to force myself to work and mechanically carry out my duties. Actually, this has happened to me before and I could do it again. I had obligations to customers. I had no choice. With these sad thoughts I went to bed, feeling even worse than before. Not only was I not happy about what awaited me tomorrow, I was very upset because I could not come up with a single successful solution to this problem. I didn’t see any alternatives and resigned myself to the fact that I just had to get through everything that was coming. And then, just at the moment of falling asleep, I suddenly thought: “It’s not true that I’ll just have to suffer for these few days! I have a choice!"
And at that moment I realized that, in general, it was up to me how to live these few days. I can choose the path of suffering and torment - or the alternative path, where I can draw energy from the participants in the program, from being included in the material in which I believe so passionately, from the pleasure of making the world a better place. Moreover, the choice between suffering and enthusiasm occurred outside of my consciousness.
Once the choice was made, I shifted the focus point. By shifting my focus, I changed how I felt. Five minutes ago I felt stuck, but now I actually felt joy and excitement in anticipation of the upcoming work. I became enthusiastic and, as a result, conducted the seminar with the greatest impact.
Once I realized the alternatives available, I made a split-second decision. It was much more difficult to reach this realization. In other words, the choice became possible—and obvious—only when I realized that I had a choice at all. We are used to thinking that making decisions is a very difficult task. At the same time, in reality it is much more difficult to realize that it is generally possible and necessary to make some kind of decision: what to choose, when there IS a choice.
In fact, at every moment, each of us has a choice.
* * *
Perhaps there was nothing supernatural in my epiphany. After all, psychological research shows that about 40 percent of happiness is determined by the choices we make. What to do, how and what to think about - these choices directly affect how we feel.
For example, if I did not receive the expected promotion, if my business project failed, I can choose how to treat what happened - as a cruel blow of fate from which I may never recover, or as a call in which I can see opportunity to learn, grow and develop. If I choose to see everything that happens in a negative light, I will feel bad about myself and look into the future with pessimism. But if I treat failure as a “call of fate,” I can learn from my mistakes and expand my prospects for the future. Understanding that I have a choice not only increases my chances of success in the future, but also improves my well-being here and now, in the present.
In the famous poem “The Other Road,” poet Robert Frost describes a man at a crossroads. Once forced to choose between two paths in life, Frost became famous for choosing the less traveled one - “and that decided everything else” in his later life.
The drama of Frost's personal dilemma - the difficulty of choosing between two paths when you know that the consequences of this choice will affect your future - does not leave any reader indifferent. We have all been there, at this crossroads, when we need to decide whether to connect our fate with some person, which institute to choose, whether to agree to a job offer in another city, and so on. In these difficult moments, we try very hard to make the right decision and do our best not to be distracted by the fear of making the wrong choice. We recognize that refusing to make a decision is also a choice with far-reaching consequences.
But the drama of “big decisions” in life (which, by definition, are few and far between) should not diminish the importance of the fact that we are forced to choose something every second. At every moment of life (except sleep, of course) we are faced with a situation of choice, and the cumulative effect of these decisions is of the same, if not greater, importance than the effect of global decisions. I can choose whether to sit up straight or hunched over, say a few kind words to a loved one or look at them with irritation. Accept your health, your friends, your breakfast with gratitude or take them for granted. To choose the opportunity to make a choice or to neglect the resources that we can use. In each specific case, these small decisions do not seem so significant, but if you add them together, these are the very steps that make up our life path.
Moreover, momentary decisions can become a turning point, starting a chain reaction - that is, some series of events or feelings that will affect your life much more than you think at the moment when you make those tiny decisions. For example, I got up in the morning on the wrong foot and in a bad mood. I can try to improve my condition - take a couple of deep breaths, smile, add an element of play to my morning routine. Each of these small choices can set off a positive chain reaction and leave me feeling inspired and uplifted to last the entire day. A good mood, in turn, can trigger other positive experiences at work and at home. Or, for example, you can make a decision and try to really listen to the person with whom you are talking for the first time on a date in a cafe. This can put a positive spin on the entire conversation and even seriously affect the relationship as a whole.
We often don't realize that we are at a crossroads, that we have any choice at all, and therefore we don't take advantage of our opportunities. Henry Ford once remarked: “If you think you can, you're right; if you think you can't, you're right.” This is also true in a situation of choice - whether you think you have a choice or you think you don’t, either way you’re right. In other words, the very awareness that there IS a choice creates the possibility of choice.
That night before the seminar, when I felt tired and depressed, I saw only one way to get through the next few days. My limited view at that moment also limited my capabilities.
If we are not aware of all the alternatives that exist in every moment, we lose the opportunity to improve the quality of our lives. For example, if we take our feelings for granted and accept that they cannot be changed, we react to the actions of those around us automatically, without thinking about other options. We are faced with the same situation over and over again and react to it in the same way, as if there were no alternative. We think that our thoughts, feelings and actions are a given, that we have no choice, when in fact we always have one.
In The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, Dan Millman recalls a story he heard from his teacher:
“When the whistle blew, signaling it was time for lunch, all the workers sat down together at the table. And every day Sam opened his bag of food and started complaining.
- Damn it! - he cursed. - It's peanut butter and jelly sandwiches again! I hate peanut butter and jelly!
He whined and whined about butter and jam every single day until one of his colleagues lost patience and said:
“For God's sake, Sam, if you hate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so much, why don't you just ask your wife to make something else?!”
- What kind of wife, what are you talking about? - he responded. - I am single! I make my own sandwiches."
This is how many people don’t even notice what’s happening to them. They make their own sandwiches that are disgusting to eat. Life gives us raw material: those external circumstances that we sometimes cannot influence. For example, appearance, family, fluctuations in world markets, decisions of other people in which we do not participate. And yet, even with all the existing restrictions, in general, it depends only on us which of the available opportunities to take and how to use them.
All of us, regardless of the circumstances of our lives, can make a conscious effort to seek new opportunities outside and within ourselves. And when we look a little broader than our habits and stereotypes, we are often amazed at how many other ingredients there are that can be used to make a sandwich. The freedom to choose from everything that life offers and from the full range of reactions to life situations is what makes us creators of a new reality.
So what kind of reality would you like to create for yourself? You make mostly your own breakfast sandwiches. And you have a lot more choices than you think.
But only you can decide what choice to make.
What will and will not be covered in this book
The insight I had the night before the workshop made me realize that I could take a much more active role in creating the life I wanted. I consciously looked for options that I had not previously noticed - and opened a whole world of possibilities for myself. A slight shift in perspective had a profound impact on my entire life. That is why I decided to write this book.
The book discusses three types of situations in which you can make choices. The first is our every second choice of actions: smile or frown, take a deep breath or not, and so on. The second is the choice we make after certain events: for example, how to react to failure, whether to praise an employee for good work. The third is the moment of making global decisions, such as choosing a career or choosing a way to help people. In this book I have mainly focused on the first two types of situations, although the third is mentioned here and there.
There is not a word in the book about the ethical aspects of choice, no tips on how to make any difficult decisions. B O Most of the situations that are considered here, just like in life, are “rhetorical choices”, when it is already quite obvious which decision will be correct. In most cases, we know exactly what is right and what is wrong - no matter how we sit or walk, how we react to success or failure, how we communicate with a child or with a partner. However, we very often do not follow what is right and good for us. Socrates' statement "to know what is right is to act right" is unfortunately not true.
This book is not about decisions in the sense of which ones are right and which ones are wrong. And about how the decisions we make affect the correctness of our actions. First of all, I set myself two goals: first, to help you become more aware of the choices you have in every moment of your life, every minute, every day, because in order to choose the right path, you first need to understand that this choice exists. Secondly, my goal was to inspire you act in the best possible way that you have.
The book is divided into sections, each of which is devoted to one alternative, and most of them are the same “rhetorical” choice. Each section has a quote, then a short story about what the specific choice is, and a story that illustrates it. The stories are based on events from my own life, hypothetical situations, descriptions of psychological experiments, historical information about famous personalities, or stories about fictional (film and literary) characters. I tell them to give you examples of ideas that you can apply in your life, and to make these ideas understandable and accessible. This way you can adapt and use the proposed examples in specific situations in your life. For example, if the story concerns work relationships, you can apply it to relationships with loved ones. If the story is about a relationship with a partner, you can adapt it to situations with your child or with your boss.
You can read this book like any other. Or you can use it as a textbook - devoting a day, a week, a month to comprehend each choice offered in it and then act. You may find it more convenient to write down on a piece of paper the alternative you want to focus on, and then place it on your refrigerator, desktop, pocket, smartphone screen, computer screensaver.
Of all the ways to make “reminders”, I like it the most - and it seems most effective - a simple thread tied around the wrist. I wear it for a certain period, from a day to a month (by the way, psychologist William James said that it takes 21 days to form a new habit), and it helps me get used to the decision, make it second nature. Now the thread on my wrist reminds me that everything should be taken lightly and with humor. The previous thread, during a difficult period in my life, reminded me that I need to be more tolerant with my children.
As you read, try choosing different alternatives. If, after several attempts and experiments, it seems to you that the chosen option does not suit you at all, skip it and move on to the next one or return to one of the previous ones. After some time, you can always try this option again to finally make sure what opportunities it still provides.
Some of the options offered in this book are based on my own experience and the experiences of my friends and clients. Some are based on the works of psychologists, philosophers, famous businessmen and teachers. Where it seemed appropriate to me, I have included links to sources from which I drew my ideas or in which these ideas were discussed in detail.
In some cases, the alternatives I have proposed overlap with each other. I did this deliberately. Firstly, because looking at the same problem from different angles often helps to move the needle and change established habits. And secondly, because repetition is an important condition for changes to take hold in our lives.
* * *
Choice is creation.
To choose means to create.
By making choices, I create my own reality
* * *
At every moment of my life I have a choice.
Seconds prolong life. Choice expands possibilities
* * *
What kind of life would I like to live?
What decisions will give me the opportunity to live exactly the way I want?
Tal Ben-Shahar is one of the most famous happiness researchers in the world, a Harvard professor and founder of . “What will you choose? Decisions on which your life depends" is his new book, which is being published for the first time in Russian thanks to the publishing house "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber". His advice is very consonant with the secular approach of mindfulness practice - our happiness directly depends on how and where we direct our attention in each moment, what we choose right now. Chapters are published with the permission of the publisher.
Ben-Shahar grew up in Israel, went to the United States at age 20 to study computer science at Harvard, and from the outside his life looked quite happy. However, he constantly felt that he was missing something. This prompted him to study positive psychology and begin to look for an answer to the question, what is happiness and what makes us happy?
Tal believes that we all need to expand our understanding of what happiness is. According to him, this is why he organized the “Institute of Well-Being”. There he examines as many as five components of happiness: spiritual, physical, intellectual, emotional and social, related to relationships. There are five components, because it is important not only to be happy yourself, but also to grow intellectually and spiritually, and also to share your happiness with others.
At his lectures, he often offers listeners the following exercise: “Imagine that you have been bewitched, making it so that no one will ever know about what you are doing or what you will achieve. What will you do in this case?”
In this book, Ben-Shahar talks about how, at every moment of our lives, our happiness is determined by our choices, which we often make inattentively, on autopilot. Is it any wonder that there is no happiness?
The 101 chapters of this book are 101 reasons for joy and conscious choice every day. 101 reasons to be happy right now.
What will you choose?
Decisions that affect your life
Chapter 7. Procrastinate or Act Now
A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Lao Tzu
Procrastination, or putting things off for a long time, unnecessary excuses for why not to do today what can be done tomorrow, is an absolutely omnipresent infection. For example, more than seventy percent of students consider themselves procrastinators. The temptation to procrastinate is understandable, but it comes at a high price: Research shows that procrastinators experience more stress, have weaker immune systems, are more likely to have trouble sleeping, and, not surprisingly, are generally less happy overall. .
Scientific research into the phenomenon of procrastination, fortunately, has given us a number of practical recommendations on how to overcome the tendency to put things off until later. The most effective of them is to do a “five-minute start,” that is, for five minutes, do the thing that you have been putting off until now. Even if you really don't want to do it.
Procrastinators often justify themselves by saying that they need to do something only when they really want it - that is, with the right mood, on the rise. Now, that's not true. To solve a problem, most often it is enough to just start doing it. The first action entails the second action and starts the entire process.
While researching procrastination, I told my wife Tami about the Five Minute Start method and how often I had to use it in the morning to start writing a book. She was very surprised that I needed special methods to get started: “You go straight to the computer and sometimes sit there for hours! You are always completely engrossed in your work!”
She was right, but that doesn't mean it's always easy for me to sit down to work. I often struggle with myself, and the first five minutes are the most difficult - I get distracted, I can’t concentrate, I feel internal resistance and I can’t turn on enough to be productive. But once I get involved, everything goes like clockwork.
And how difficult it is to overcome the reluctance to work when it comes to activities of little significance or unpleasantness for me, such as checking student papers or filling out accounts! Sometimes I have to do the “five minute start” two or three times and force myself to work for the first ten to fifteen minutes, repeating “just do it!”
So if you're not in the mood to go to work out, just make the right decision, put on your sneakers and start working out. The first impulse is likely to start a process of self-reinforcement. If you have a project that needs to be done, don't wait for the "right time." Decide to take action. Right now!
This approach can also be useful in more global issues: start working on your dream, don’t put it off for later - find ways to start moving towards the life you want today.
Chapter 32. Tense or Relax
Some people believe that perseverance makes you stronger. But sometimes what makes it stronger is the ability to let go. Hermann Hesse
My body and mind form a single and indivisible system. Anything that affects one component usually affects the other. Any emotional or psychological state changes our physical well-being - improves or worsens it. For example, when I feel my throat tighten, this is an indicator of emotional stress. By relieving muscle tension and relaxing your muscles, you can reduce stress. So, clenched jaws are a common sign of pent-up anger, which you may not be aware of. By relaxing, you will partially get rid of these negative emotions.
To release physical tension, whether it occurs in the forehead, jaw, throat, shoulders, stomach or back, you need to focus on that part of the body, take a few deep breaths and loosen the grip. You can mentally repeat to yourself - “let go” until you feel that the muscles relax and the stress goes away. Now enter a state of peace and serenity.
Renowned yoga teacher Patricia Walden says the most important part of this practice is the final part, when practitioners lie on their backs, calmly place their arms at their sides, extend their legs and relax. This pose is called savasana (corpse pose). It involves surrendering to the force of gravity and allowing the floor to support your body. At the same time, all the pressure and tension go away, the psychological tension to which we sometimes unwittingly cling disappears.
In most cases, all savasana practitioners manage to relax and calm down. But the main thing is that this practice does not give a momentary effect, but allows you to learn how to reproduce a state of peace in any situation. Once calmness becomes a familiar sensation, it can be achieved when needed. And the more often you enter this state - in a yoga class, in bed before bed, or lying on the floor at home - the easier it will be for you to achieve it in other situations.
You can relax any part of your body that feels tense, no matter what you're doing: sitting in a work meeting, talking with your spouse, hugging your child, or writing a report. The mind and body are one, so paying attention to your body and relaxing your muscles can make you feel calmer and freer.
Chapter 42. Delaying gratification or Seizing the moment
Pleasure for a person is not a luxury, but a comprehensive psychological need. Nathaniel Branden
Learning to delay gratification is very important. There is ample evidence that this ability is essential for overall psychological health and success in life. However, in our fast-paced, crazy-busy world, sometimes we put off pleasure so far that our lives become completely empty, boring, dreary, devoid of love and enthusiasm. By postponing pleasure indefinitely, we run the great risk of not getting it at all, because we do not live forever.
Taking three minutes to listen to your favorite song while forgetting that your inbox is full of emails, or spending an hour with your best friend despite a looming deadline at work is probably very irresponsible. It is likely that there are better things we can do for ourselves and for others, but we absolutely need these short pleasant activities to reboot and replenish energy reserves.
My most significant leap in quality of life was not the result of large-scale transformational changes, but came after I introduced “happiness boosters” into my daily life—tiny, one-shot activities, activities that lift my spirits. These mini-breaks give me the resource I need to continue to work energetically.
I often close my eyes for a minute and imagine the one I love. If I have more free time, I practice twenty minutes of loving-kindness meditation. I take a few minutes out of my busy schedule to listen to Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You, or take a longer break to enjoy the five movements of Beethoven's Sixth Symphony. I can take three deep breaths or take a short nap. I can read a short poem by Pablo Neruda or spend one hour enjoying the fantastic imagination of Robert Heinlein.
In the past, I often reached a point where I felt exhausted, where I lacked energy for work and sometimes for life in general. Incorporating a few “happiness boosters” into your daily life has become the best medicine. Today, I don't wait for my energy to drop dangerously low. I regularly include pleasant things and activities in my life. These injections of joy not only make me feel better in a given moment, they often create a flow of energy that helps me become more productive and happier.
The only problem is finding the right balance between delayed gratification and seizing the moment. I leave it to you to solve this problem yourself.
Chapter 43. Do what seems necessary, or Do what you really want
How we spend one day is how we spend our whole lives. Annie Dillard
Goals that correspond to our ideals and interests, which we freely choose, ultimately lead to greater success and well-being than those we strive for out of necessity. This does not mean that you should shirk your responsibilities or avoid responsibility because you don't want to do what you should. Rather, it is about the fact that you must build your life so that it follows the path you have chosen. In other words, you should do what you love whenever possible and stay true to your beliefs and dreams.
Psychologists Ellen Langer and Judith Rodin conducted a study in a nursing home. They randomly assigned residents of two floors to two different groups. Those in the first group received extensive support - they were helped with everything from organizing their daily routine to watering flowers. The second group was given more personal responsibility and choice. They were given the opportunity to choose more often what and how they would like to do. For example, they could decide which plant to take care of, when to watch a movie, where to receive guests, etc. Eighteen months later, the old people from the second group were significantly healthier and more active, they were less susceptible to depression, more self-confident, cheerful and cheerful.
But the most striking result of this study was that the life expectancy of members of the second group was twice as long as in the control group. In other words, seemingly trivial responsibilities and decisions not only improved their quality of life, but also significantly increased their length of life!
Instead of helping people, both old and young, by satisfying their every need, give them a choice. A person’s life changes dramatically when he moves from “should” to “want”, from prescribed tasks to freely chosen activities. And this is true not only for older people, but also for twenty-year-olds and ten-year-olds.
Life is short. What would you like to do right now? And tomorrow? And in ten years?
Chapter 51. Constantly experiencing emotional arousal or Learning to live in silence
I discovered that the cause of all human suffering is simply that people cannot be calm in silence and solitude.
Blaise Pascal
The plant needs free space for normal growth and development. Deprived of this space, it either stretches too high or becomes crooked and ugly. Human beings are no different from plants: we need space to learn, grow, and develop.
One of the techniques to create such a space is immersion in silence. Filling every minute of your life with different sounds, you are not able to even approximately assess your true potential. Meditation, silence, solitude, and the absence of external stimuli help to see more clearly and better understand everything that is happening. We need to spend some time without the rumbling of cars, blaring stereos, clattering hammers and the sound of footsteps. Sometimes we need to take a break from words - both from others and from our own.
In his book Lila, Robert Pirsig examines two cultural approaches to silence. The main character, in search of a better life, decides to live in an Indian tribe. Native Americans, he notes, unlike Westerners, “don’t open their mouths just to fill the silence with words. If they have nothing to say, they remain silent." Indians can sit around a fire for hours, maintaining deathly silence or exchanging just a couple of words. Sometimes they glance at each other, but mostly their gaze is directed inward.
This tradition differs sharply from the customs of whites, who experience great discomfort in the absence of words. Apparently, this is why small talk was invented. But it is not only silence that gives the Indians silence - in their world there is no noise caused by human activity. Our world is dependent on noise: children need music on to concentrate on homework, families gathered around the table desperately need the TV playing in the background, people at the gym need a constant rhythm so they can exercise effectively.
Noise has become such an integral part of our lives that we suffer if it is absent. Silence during a business meeting is considered unproductive and a waste of time. Silence in the classroom is seen as a sign that students are not paying attention. Silence during a party means the party was a failure.
A growing body of research suggests that we pay a high price for this constant auditory stimulation. Silence is essential for developing creativity, strengthening connections with the world around us and with ourselves, healthier physical and mental development, and a sense of overall well-being. Remove at least some of the noise from your life and fill it with silence.
Chapter 81. Living in your own head or experiencing positive emotions
We think too much and feel too little. Charlie Chaplin
Socrates said that “life without reasoning is not life.” Aristotle described man as a "rational animal." They were both right, and yet their view of human nature is one-sided. In addition to being able to think and explore, we are also endowed with the ability to feel and experience, and it is dangerous to ignore this side of human nature. In the modern world of science and rationality, where supercomputers are super role models, we often forget that feelings are an integral part of our essence. And while a life driven by whims and emotions cannot fully satisfy a person, a life of constant analysis of the environment and control of emotions cannot be complete. I have become one since I learned to feel with my whole heart through conscious focus - on the face I love, on the richness of tastes and smells, on the current moment, on the life I live. I am not only a “reasoning” animal, but also a “feeling animal”, and life without feelings is not life.
Professor Barbara Fredrickson conducted a study in which employees of one organization practiced loving-kindness meditation for twenty minutes every day right in the workplace. During this time, they were encouraged to feel the love they felt for a close friend, their child, their partner, or themselves.
The effect was amazing: it went far beyond the positive feelings that the participants experienced directly during the meditation process. Over the course of the seven-week study (and in some cases much longer), the subjects experienced decreased levels of anxiety and depression, increased overall feelings of joy and happiness, and improved physical health, relationships, and motivation levels.
One participant describes the impact of this experiment on his life: “I now have more confidence in myself and in the people around me. I became less hard on myself. I forgive offenses more easily... I feel that I have grown spiritually. I live more at peace with myself. I don't feel as stressed as I did before the experiment. I began to look at people differently and empathize with them more.”
Fredrickson showed that the positive effects of such practice came from the experience of deep positive experience: “positivity was the active ingredient, the catalyst for change.”
Those who listened to music they loved that moved them, or felt gratitude for all the good things in life, or enjoyed a beautiful work of art, or sat quietly in the forest, experienced the same physical and psychological improvements as those who experienced love and kindness towards to other people.
Spend more time experiencing positive emotions. You can practice this meditation little by little, right now or at any other time in your life, or you can practice it for twenty minutes a day and reap all the benefits of positive emotions.
Chapter 87. Seize on more and more new things or Simplify life
Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity! I say do two or three things, not a hundred or a thousand. Instead of a million, take on half a dozen.
Henry David Thoreau
Quantity affects quality. There is such a thing as “too much of a good thing.” Perhaps every task I do has the potential to make me happy, but if I take on too much, I will end up not being happy with my life. One day there comes a point when any additional activity - no matter how wonderful and desirable it is - brings more suffering than joy.
Our world is becoming more and more complex, tension is growing every second. We come to the conclusion that less is more: if my life is overloaded, if I'm too busy, then limiting the number of things I do - simplifying my life - will make me happier, increase my creativity and enthusiasm in everything I do, and ultimately Greater success awaits me.
Warren Bennis was a professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology who studied and taught leadership. One day he decided to test his ideas in this area through an experiment and agreed to become president of the University of Cincinnati. His life immediately became busier; his responsibilities snowballed, and although he was quite successful - or perhaps because of his success in his new job - he had little time left to do his favorite things: teaching, writing books and scientific research .
In his seventh year as president, Bennis was invited to give a lecture at Harvard, where a former colleague asked him, “Do you enjoy being president of the university?” Bennis had never suffered from a lack of eloquence, but this question puzzled him. It was only later, after much thought, that he realized that he only liked the idea of being a university president, and not the actual work in this position. He left this post and returned to what professors do, that is, teaching, writing books and scientific research.
After resigning as president of the university, Bennis entered the most productive and fruitful period of his life, during which time he published some of the most significant books in the field of leadership. His influence on leaders in politics, education and business is enormous, and he is credited with creating a new field of scientific knowledge - the science of leadership.
Sometimes we have no choice, we cannot change our busyness. But when there is a choice, you can, of course, take on additional obligations - but only as long as this is done with the necessary motivation. The problem is that many of us take on a lot of things for the wrong reasons: not because we are passionate about something or believe in what we are doing, but only because we have been told so or expected of us. or we like the idea of some activity, but not the activity itself. As a result, we sacrifice our own productivity, creativity, and happiness.
Can you become a less busy person? How can you simplify your life? Make a promise to yourself to take on less, not more.
Chapter 89. Engage in Introspection or Focus on the External World
People we call self-confident or self-esteemed seem to be characterized not so much by self-respect as by a lack of self-concern.
David Shapiro
I suspect that depression is on the rise in many parts of the world today because, at least in part, it is because self-reflection is encouraged and self-help books are plentiful in stores. People today are more concerned about their mental health than they were a century ago, but this very concern can generate suffering: paradoxically, our obsession with happiness contributes to its absence.
And while Socrates was right that a life without thinking is not worth living, it is equally true that a life with too much thinking is very tiring and ultimately leads to overwhelm and depression.
So, should we stop soul-searching and throw away those self-improvement books? Never. You just need to find the right balance between focusing on yourself and paying attention to the outside world, between thought and action, between thinking and putting ideas into practice. So sometimes, instead of worrying about yourself or endlessly analyzing your thoughts and feelings, it's worth thinking about what you could do for other people. Instead of dwelling on your problems, you should get out of the house and help someone else solve their problems.
I got into positive psychology, the science of happiness, because I wanted to find more meaning and joy in life. I researched the phenomenon of self-esteem to gain self-confidence and self-esteem. Over the years, I have become healthier psychologically: a happier person with more stable self-esteem. However, there have been times when I have felt that focusing on the psychology of happiness is making me unhappy, that constantly studying self-esteem is hurting me more than helping me.
It took me several years to realize that my attempt to solve the problem was actually part of the problem. And then I began to direct my attention outward more often. For example, choosing a challenging goal helped me focus on something external and stop the constant internal dialogue with myself.
For the same reasons, refocusing my attention on helping other people, both as a teacher and as an author, has helped me greatly. Having a family of my own also made a significant contribution to my happiness, at least in part because my “I” became a “we.” Despite these internal and external changes that have occurred in my life, like many other people, I sometimes find myself ruminating more than living in reality. I admit that introspection and taking care of your psychological state is important to some extent, since ignoring needs does not make a person happy either. Still, redirecting your thoughts to another person or circumstances can help build a healthier balance between your inner and outer life.
When you find yourself digging too deep inside yourself and engaging in too much introspection, refocus your attention outward.
